Bible Games
Videogames have finally found their
way into religion. Or vice versa.
By Seanbaby
 The
video game market has had it's share of lame games over the
years. But the folks at Wisdom Tree took bad games to new
heights when they decided to target Christians. Apparently,
the Christian community is prey to people who make and sell
mediocre crap, because the Christian market is desperate for
anything religiously oriented. (Just look at Christian rock.)
If Wisdom Tree had a motto, it'd be "We can't sell our
bad games to actual game players, so we'll market them toward
their Christian parents!" Here are some of their classics,
for the NES:
Bible Buffet
This game introduced Christian gamers to what would eventually
be a staple of Christian gaming: food projectiles. Bible
Buffet was a combination board game, Bible quiz and food
fight, wherein you fling eating utensils at men in gardens while
competing against other Christians to see who can steal the
most carrots. And after reading that crazy stuff, I’m sure the
other Christians will understand if many of you no longer wish
to be a part of their organization.
Nintendo Power: Lame
I might be a bit biased here, but controlling a clumsy character
flinging spoons at gardeners is close enough to my everyday
life that I’m not going to be very excited about creating
that fantasy world through my Nintendo.
Divine Power: 2
It’s tough to say what this game teaches you about Jesus other
than the fact that some of the people that make video games
about him have a lot wrong with them.
Sunday Funday
Like all great video games, Sunday Funday was based
around getting to Sunday school on time. You played the part
of a skateboarding kid dodging his way through neighborhood
plumbers and debutantes, who for some reason want to pound
you until you explode. Between levels you were treated to
harsh scolding and game tips from scenes of your Sunday school
teacher. She complained that it was taking you too long and
that you should avoid bears. This was handy for players unfamiliar
with video games who may have thought that the giant bear
opening its mouth around your character’s head was just trying
to give you a passionate but innocent kiss. If you were lucky,
she would also add, “Sunday is a FUN day, when you’re at church!”
Nintendo Power: Super Lame
By any standard you use to judge it, this game is awful. However,
it becomes even more awful when you learn that it’s just an
almost exact remake of a failed game the company released
four years earlier called Menace Beach. In Menace
Beach, you were on a mission to rescue your kidnapped
girlfriend, but instead of a shrewish Sunday school teacher
between levels, you were treated to progressively more naked
pictures of your girlfriend chained to a wall as her clothes
rotted off.
The
game Menace Beach repented, changed its name to
Sunday Funday and replaced the half-naked girlfriend
with the lecturing religious educator.
Plus, many of the villains were reworked to fit the new
religious theme. For example, ninjas, a common sight in Menace
Beach, were transformed into little boys in their underwear
for Sunday Funday. And after reading that, I’ll just
let you sort through all the Catholic jokes that popped into
your head and trust you to decide on your favorite.
Before
divine intervention: Menace Beach's ninja.
After divine intervention: Sunday Funday's little boy
in hot pants.
Sunday Funday sold much better than Menace Beach,
proving that the public demand for bad products with God was
stronger than their demand for bad products with boobs. This
is something to keep in mind for those of you who suck at
making things, but still want people to buy them.
 
In
Menace Beach, you've got to rescue your girlfriend
from the end boss, Demon Dan.
In Sunday Funday, the final villain was retooled to
be more religious in nature: a bear.
Divine Power: 1
The one thing a player takes away from this game is how likely
he or she is to die on the way to church. And while it’s true
that half-naked children emerging from the alleys to kill
you might be some kind of metaphor for lack of enlightenment
obstructing the teachings of Jesus, I have no explanation
for the gophers that pop out of manholes to throw dynamite
at you. I obviously have some pretty shaky faith to begin
with, but if I was on my way to church and wild animals were
launching explosives at me from the sewer, I’d take that as
a sign that someone or something doesn’t want me at that church;
someone or something that has power over the very laws of
gophers themselves.
Spiritual Warfare
It’s a tradition in religious pop culture for Christian artists
to take a well-established secular success and make a bad copy
of it without all the adult situations or suggestive pelvic
movement. This is not due to a lack of creativity, but the church’s
ban on the dark arts of raising the dead. You see, any market
research groups sent to Heaven to find out what type of music
video God wants to see can’t return to give reports. However,
when God’s supreme wisdom sees fit to allow music channels to
run the same Will Smith video four times an hour, that’s the
heavenly go-ahead for artists like DC Talk or Carman to release
as close to an exact recreation of it as they can. Spiritual
Warfare continues this tradition by adding a Bible quiz
to The Legend of Zelda and calling it by a different
name.
Nintendo Power: Not bad
The Legend of Zelda was a fun game, but since it was
advertised back in the ‘80s with a commercial of children
rapping about how it is, and I quote, “really rad,” I’m going
to assume you already bought it and knew that. Spiritual
Warfare is much worse in every way, but has a chance of
reminding you of the fun you had throwing your sword at goblins
in Legend of Zelda before they took that game and transformed
it into hurling fruit at people until they kneel and pray.
I’m serious, by the way.
 
In
Zelda, you get a sword. In Spiritual Warfare,
you get a pear.
Divine Power: 4
Pelting someone in the face with fruit until they convert
to your religion isn’t exactly a positive message to give
to impressionable gamers, but it does remind players that
Jesus and a well-aimed pear can achieve anything. And you’ll
feel closer to God when you’re spelunking through the cave
and uncover an ancient treasure chest of Biblical trivia questions.
Each correct answer is rewarded with the spinning of a smiling
head’s bowtie, which, if I’m not mistaken, is the iconic representation
of God’s approval.
Super Noah’s Ark 3D
The first Castle Wolfenstein was praised as a break-through
in gaming with its immersive 3D Nazi-killing gameplay. However,
concerned parents were worried it might accidentally be a homicide-hypnotizer,
and concerned Nazis worried that it might be training an entire
nation of children to kill them. As you might have heard, parent
groups and Nazis are notorious over-reactors, but in this case
they turned out to be right. Tomb Raider proved this
by creating an entire generation of huge breasted archeologists,
and making it official: Video games control men’s minds. And
in Super Noah’s Ark 3D, a shameless exact copy of Castle
Wolfenstein, the Christians exploit the brainwashing power
of video games to spread positive Christian values. Because
in this game, the player doesn’t shoot Nazis or vampires. Instead,
he or she slingshots high-powered rounds of food at goats until
they fall asleep. Just like Jesus would.
Nintendo Power: Bad
If Jesus really liked you half as much as beating a farm animal
into unconsciousness with a high-powered food launcher would
have you believe, he would have hit your Super Nintendo with
a lightning bolt long before you had a chance to play this
crap.
Divine Power: 0
I might have stolen a strange translation of the Bible out
of a hotel, because in my version, Noah’s Ark is not the story
of a man rowing around in a boat while waging a terrifying
battle against an army of goats. However, I did go in with
a color crayon to fix the Ten Commandments so all ten transformed
into one giant robot commandment that Moses has to arm wrestle
in order to save the rec center. So it’s not really the liberties
that Super Noah’s Ark 3D takes with the story of God’s
vengeful judgment that I had a problem with. I just don’t
think throwing food in a video game has any religious value
without a series of Biblical trivia questions to go with it.
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